Thirteen

I don't know what's bringing me to the space tonight. It's been so long, but the yearning in my heart to write is pulling stronger and stronger. So tonight, as I sit at my parents house, in my old room, my mind starting wondering down memory lane.

The last time I slept in this room was the night before I got married. So many hopes and dreams, plans and decisions were thought about in these four walls. Honestly, life for us turned out pretty close to the images that filled my head when laying in my bed all those years ago. Married for 14 years. Three beautiful girls and a dog. A house, church, school and community all that we love. Glen working his dream job at Toyota. Me, a stay at home mommy. That has always been my dream. Let me have babies and be home to raise them.

But all those years ago, I never dreamed that we would walk the road of special needs. That the little girl that made me a mommy, the one turning 13 years old in just 2 short weeks, would wreck my heart in a way I could never imagine.

You see, this road is hard you guys (if anyone is even reading this, and its okay if not, I just needed to write). My whole heart longs for wholeness for her. I'm not sure there is a second of my day that my heart doesn't beat a prayer for a miraculous healing for her. As I watch her get older, I see how things are changing for her. And watching her get left behind as everyone around her finds their wings hurts more then I could ever put into words. And I'm not sure many will understand that unless they've walked in our shoes.

But you know what else? My heart gets wrecked every day with thankfulness that she's mine. That this kind, loving, beautiful, silly, pure, innocent, girl is MY daughter. That I get a front row seat to watch her life unfold. Yes, its hard guys. It's so, so hard. But it's so, so worth it to be loved by her. Because her love is a pure as it comes.

I can't say I wouldn't change anything, because I'd be lying. I would change her diagnosis in a heartbeat. I would give ANYTHING for her to come home and tell me all about her day, about her friends, about her crush. To see her on a court or on a field with a ball in her hand. To drop her off at sleepovers or hear her chatting (or even see her texting) on the phone to friends. I never realized how something we take for granted, like language, could cause such a huge divide for someone until I walked down this road.

So as we get ready to celebrate her 13th birthday, I'm going to try hard to make it a point to not look back. At least not on the sad stuff. I want to remember the markers that are miracles that we've already seen for her, because those markers give us hope. And I want to live a life full of hope. Hope that one day in the not so distant future, that I'll be dropping her off at ball practices or taking her to get her driver licenses (because that's seriously all she talks about) or that her daddy will walk her down the aisle one day. Hope that we can make the divide smaller for her so that she can communicate better, even with us.

I'm going to end this blog with the lyrics to this song. We sang this at church this morning and she was standing by me as we sang, and boy did it hit me like a ton of bricks. I had to hold back a river of tears because if they would have started I'm not sure how long it would have been until I could have stopped them.

HE IS FOR YOU ADDIE ELIZABETH DAVIS and His favor is upon your life.

May His favor be upon you
And a thousand generations
And your family and your children
And their children, and their children

May His presence go before you
And behind you, and beside you
All around you, and within you
He is with you, He is with you

In the morning, in the evening
In your coming, and your going
In your weeping, and rejoicing
He is for you, He is for you