Fear

It's 3am. I wake up in a start. As my heart races, I check the baby. Is she okay? Is she breathing? She's been sick with respiratory issues, does she sound worse? Is she getting better? She's fine. Of course. I lay back down. Glen's breathing funny. That isn't normal. I put my hand on him to make sure he isn't running a fever which in turn wakes him up. I ask him if he is okay? He says he's fine. Of course.

I know all this sounds like you are reading the words of a crazy person. But that's not the case. You are reading the words of a person that is dealing with fear.

Four little letters make up such a small word. But that small word is trying hard to grip my heart and have me live my life in a way that Jesus doesn't want me to.

After I checked on everyone I laid in bed for 45 mins and really wrestled with this. I go back to when I am five... nine.... sixteen... twenty-one... twenty-eight... now I'm almost thirty-two and I can see where fear has always gripped my life.

Sure its been in different ways. When I was little I didn't want to go through the dark house by myself. I would actually send my sister who is 4 years younger then me up the stairs first.

At sixteen, I had fears of getting in a car accident. Or one of my family members getting into a car accident. Or making a B. Or being broke-up with.

At twenty-one, I had fears of staying by myself (which haven't entirely gone away  even at the age of thirty-two and 3 kids later).

Sure these seem small. Some could say "you were a kid scared of the dark, thats normal", or "sure you don't want to stay by yourself, you've never had to do it before". But see, the thing about fear is, once its in, it grabs hold, and it doesn't want to let go.

At twenty-seven, twenty-eight, twenty-nine my fear moved from the small things that anyone would describe as normal, and it completely consumed me. Fear gripped my heart for my little girl. We started going through things with her that had me in a constant state of worry, of panic, of unrest, of fear. It didn't matter what people would say "she's going to be fine" or "she will come out of it", none of it helped. My baby was going through struggles and as her  mom I had no way to help. I felt helpless.

 I lived this way for a long time. It made me short tempered, and sad, and angry, and snappy. I didn't like the person I was but I had no idea how to change it. I was worried for all the unknowns, for all the test, for all the tears she cried, for the lack of language, for the delay in development, for all the doctor appointments, for the diagnosis of hearing loss, for the word autism, for what her life would look like.

About 2 years ago, I REALLY started praying about this and trying to get a hold of this. I knew that I didn't want to live like that anymore and I KNOW that God didn't want me to live my life like that. 2 Timothy 1:7 says "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."

I was doing so well. I didn't worry about Addie anymore. Yes, she broke my heart with the things she had to go through, but the FEAR left. I was able to stay the night here, in my own home, without fear when Glen had work trips. I stopped worrying that just because someone didn't answer the phone for a few hours that they were dead (literally, if I couldn't find my parents or my sisters and everyone stopped answering their phones that's where my mind went). All that stopped. It even stopped enough for me to not fear getting pregnant again. I had so many fears that if we had another baby that we would go through the same things with that one as we had with Addie. But I didn't fear that anymore. I had peace.

So here we are tonight. At 4:21am. An hour and a half after I woke up. Writing about fear. Because it crept back in. With all the changes, and all the exhaustion, and the lack of me time, and the lack of reading my Bible because I am so busy with 3 kids. It crept back in. And I can actually pin point when it gripped my heart again. It was when Addie was diagnosed with the flu. My mind immediately went to every bad thing that could happen, and I started worrying about Callie (who was 6 weeks old), and I started letting web articles consume my mind. When really what I should have been doing was letting the Bible consume my mind.

I am trying to get a grip on this again. I am praying peace and a calm mind over myself daily. I am starting a weekly online Bible study with my friend to keep myself accountable for staying in the Word. I am going to start writing scriptures to post around my house or in my notebook I keep with me. I don't want set free for just a few years. I don't want it to creep back in when something doesn't go right. Because life isn't perfect and things will happen and I know I have a Father in heaven that will be there through it all. I am seeking and praying for complete deliverance. I want to live my life full of hope and love and peace, and fear has no place in that!